Long Johns in Puerto Rico
It was a horrible night, fit for neither man nor beast. The wind was howling, snowflakes the size of horse turds blowing horizontally across the ramp, clinging to the airplanes. But the freight still had to go.
As an ABX Air DC9 captain based in Wilmington, Ohio, I was no stranger to winter weather operations. I came to work prepared that night. I wore a sock hat, a scarf, and gloves. My overcoat was securely buttoned closed over my uniform jacket. And for good measure, I wore long john thermal underwear. The one consolation was we were going to San Juan, Puerto Rico where we could thaw out during our 36-hour layover.
We were delayed in Wilmington due to the need for deicing. Not just us. Everyone had to be deiced, which meant that we would have to wait our turn once the loading process was complete.
Sometimes, when there is only a bit of frost, or a minimal amount of snow, it is sufficient to just have the wings and tail deiced, which saves time and deicing fluid. But this night was not a wings and tail only kind of night. We had snow clinging to virtually every exposed surface of the airplane, including the engine inlets.
As night became dawn, the ground crews worked continuously in a gallant effort to get us all deiced and on our way. At the same time, snow removal crews were working nonstop to keep taxiways and runways clear. The people who worked at ABX sort facility in Wilmington were the salt of the earth. Small town residents, farmers, college students, this is where I would direct anyone who wanted to witness first-hand the definition of work ethic.
Eventually, we were ready to go, and we slipped the surly bonds of earth, turning south toward Miami, our first stop. We kept the cabin temperature nice and warm, but even so it took a while before the chill left my bones, and I decided to wait until we were on the ground in Miami to slip the long johns off. My suitcase was in the belly compartment, and it would be easy enough to grab it and run inside to the maintenance office for my wardrobe change while the ground crew was offloading Miami freight.
Unfortunately, there had been enough moisture from all the snow in Ohio that some of it had managed to find its way to the door seal on the belly compartment and froze. I was unable to retrieve my suitcase. So I decided, no big deal, I would keep the long johns on and manage the cockpit temperature enroute so that I would be comfortable. We would be able to open the belly compartment in San Juan, and it was not uncommon for the air-conditioned hotel van to be there waiting for us. No big deal. Get in the air-conditioned van, go the the hotel, walk to the front desk in the air-conditioned lobby, go to my room and shed the thermal underwear. It was a plan.
We landed in San Juan after a nice flight over the tropical blue ocean, taxied to the ramp and … no hotel van.
The only place to wait for the van was outside in the nice warm sunshine. Considering that we had left a blizzard in Ohio, things could be worse. I briefly considered going into the maintenance office and getting rid of the long johns, but the van would be there any minute. We were already late, we were tired, and I didn’t want to cause any further delays with us getting to the hotel. So I stood outside. In Puerto Rico. In the midday sun. Waiting. Melting.
Eventually the van did show up. And of course when we got to the hotel there was a line at the front desk. People were checking out. The rooms weren’t ready. All the things that go wrong when you just want to get to your room. I was soaking wet with sweat by the time I got upstairs to my room.
So, I wonder, does the Guiness Book of World Records have a category for the longest time anyone has worn long johns in Puerto Rico? I thought about contacting them, but since I didn’t think to keep time, and I didn’t enlist the first officer to act as timekeeper/witness, I doubt they would consider my claim to be legitimate.